i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
