did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
