cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
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