you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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