I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
