hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
