So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Randomize