You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
