I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
