I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
