Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize