I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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