i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
