david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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