Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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