i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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