omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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