Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
