im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
