matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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