I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
