How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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