Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
