Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
