please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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