First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
