Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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