Swine flu. Run for my life!
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
