I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
