ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize