apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
