I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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