I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
