dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
