she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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