at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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