I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
