So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
