Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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