i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
