Just fell off a train. Bad.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
