She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
