I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
