Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
