Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
