Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
