he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize