Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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