Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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