All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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