You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
