The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
