Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
