Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
