i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
