ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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