wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
