Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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