Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Randomize
