Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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