You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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