I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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