Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
