Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
